self discovery

i figured something out today that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks.

i have been feeling overwhelmed by insecurities.
i have been feeling defensive.
i have been feeling disconnected.
i have been feeling uncertain.

all these things have been brewing under the surface and in my usual manner i have managed to just ignore them and deny their existence. i am very good at being strong and controlling my emotions. i've born it through life circumstance.

this morning i spent extra time with the Lord in the word and in prayer and i felt refreshed. i felt like He'd missed me, even though i'd been reading every day...i don't think i've been connecting emotionally. once in awhile maybe. but i don't like to be vulnerable. when everybody around me is vulnerable i feel responsible to maintain this strong presence. some stability in the midst of chaos and mayhem. i hate weakness.

i am hoping God can teach me that weakness and vulnerability are beautiful things to be shared...that sharing them can impact others and strengthen relationships.

Wal-Mart

Today I made a trip to the local Wal-Mart. I had a list which I almost always do in order to make the most of my time. So I was going at a pretty quick clip through wally other than a delay in fabrics (my greatest weakness). It was 1pm and I had to be at work at 2:30 so I wasn't dilly dallying. I paid for my purchases and grabbed my bags and headed for the exit. As I was walking by customer service I made eye contact with this little old lady sitting on a bench next to a bunch of other people. She locked eyes with me and started talking,but I couldn't hear her so I got closer. She asked if I could take her home, which was maybe 6 or 8 blocks away. Initially in my mind I was like "Say no. scary...walk away. She could be a freak killer or something". All sorts of awful things passed through my mind. But I found myself saying "sure". So she handed me one of her bags and instructed me to lead and she'd follow me to my car. So there we went me with my bags and her trailing behind with her two wheeled cart full of bags. She was a tiny thing,hunched over and all bundled up in a coat. Her face was too big for her body it seemed. I found out her name was Shirley and she usually walked everywhere she went. She started to loosen up a little once in the car. I wondered if it had taken her very long to work up the courage to ask someone for a ride or if she did that frequently. She asked me if I was in college and I told her that I wasn't but I was a secretary at Mercy. I asked her if she went to church anywhere. She said she used to, but that it was hard to get a ride anymore. She pointed to a United Methodist church we passed and told me about their upcoming rummage sale which she planned to go to and get a few things. I told her about my church and mentioned her coming sometime. She mentioned that there was a synagogue not too far from there. We discovered that we had a couple of mutual aquaintances that attended there. small world. we pulled up to her house. It was a small pink house with stone on the front. It looked kind of unkempt, but I expected as much. I helped roll her cart up to her door and she told me she could take it from there. She told me I was a nice lady and thanks. I said I might see her around. As I left I was overwhelmed by the whole encounter and cried. I realized how selfish I am, and I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to see into Shirley's world just for those few moments. To see the loneliness and difficulty that she faces everday. It made me promise myself that I would not be ruled by my own agenda and time constraints, by my own fears and judgemental thoughts, but that I would gladly allow God to interrupt my "plans" and to teach me about the love that He has for everyday people like Shirley. And don't worry, Shirley's not getting off that easy...I know where she lives. I hope that this is the beginning of a newfound friendship.

Quotes to make you think

"The worst forms of tyranny, or certainly the most successful ones, are not those we rail against but those that so insinuate themselves into the imagery of our consciousness, and the fabric of our lives, as not to be perceived as tyranny." -– Michael Parenti


"...the high office of the President has been used to foment a plot to destroy the American's freedom, and before I leave office, I must inform the citizens of this plight." -- John F. Kennedy (November 12, 1963, Columbia U, 10 days before his assassination)

"A society whose citizens refuse to see and investigate the facts,
who refuse to believe that their government and their media will
routinely lie to them and fabricate a reality contrary to
verifiable facts, is a society that chooses and deserves the
Police State Dictatorship it's going to get."
-- Ian Williams Goddard

"....We're confiscating property now....That's socialism. It's written into the Communist Manifesto. Maybe we ought to see that every person who gets a tax return receives a copy of the Communist Manifesto with it so he can see what's happening to him." -- T. Coleman Andrews, May 25, 1956, U.S. News & World Report, Commissioner of the IRS for 33 months Under the Eisenhower Administration before he resigned.

"Why of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war: Neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." -- Hermann Goering, Hitler's #2 man

My weekend

I had Friday off from work which was amazing. I was able to finish my quilt top which just so happens to be slightly enormous and colorful like a circus. I may start on another top before I finish this one bcuz my brother has put in a request for one. I'll have to look through my fabric and see what I have that could even work. Friday afternoon I went to La James beauty school to get my hair done...and did not come out until four hours later. It was out of control. It always is. You have to devote half of your day to the process every time without fail. But I do have some sweet highlights to show for my afternoon in the barber's chair. Friday night I finally got to attend one of the dtc's java jazz events. It was a fun atmosphere and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Saturday morning I got coffee with my dad at one of the local hotspots and we got to have a good conversation about the state of the economy, politics, and the end of the world. We could talk for hours. Its sick, really. After that I headed downtown to the farmer's market and met up with the outreach group from church to help tear down. Its so sad that the farmers market is almost over, it is one of our city's best events in my opinion. After the market we grabbed some lunch at Lucca in the East Village. The building was really narrow and the walls were brick. yay. The food was amazing as well. Unfortunately my fun was ended as I had to go to work afterward. My weekends have been pretty much booked up with working. I get one weekend free the whole month of October. yay for me. And its next weekend during which time I will be making my way to Kansas City to help the ole bro and wife move. And I am so excited to take my latest garage sale purchase with me for use with Brockett my almost 5 mo. old nephew. I will include a pic of a similar model not nearly as cool as mine with the sweet boy scout patches sewn on it. And to think I got it for nothing! The lady asked me to take it off her hands. gladly.

saddest news of the week: Nick Reynolds, a member of the Kingston Trio died this last Wednesday. I have one of their records...ahh folk music, one of my many loves.

most disturbing news of the week: On a recent visit to the Des Moines Register, John McCain said and I quote, "I just want to make a comment about the obvious issue and that is the failure of Congress to act yesterday. Its just not acceptable. […] This is just a not acceptable situation. I’m not saying this is the perfect answer. If I were dictator, which I always aspire to be, I would write it a little bit differently. "

comic of the week: Baby Blues (its all about chin hairs...ya, ya, just trust me on this one)

song receiving most play time in my car: Everything's Gonna Be Alright-Joshua Radin

verse of the week: Psalm 33:18-22

Quilting

so i've been working on my quilt the last few days and its coming together quite well. i can't wait for the top to be finished. it's going to be alot more colorful than i originally imagined but i think i'll still like it. i used a lot of different scrap fabric. i can't wait to start hand quilting...it's my favorite part!

Only in Iowa

I just read the best news story ever. Its about a woman in cedar rapids who had a bat in her house. She reported it to the Dept. of Public Health and then proceeded to get ready for bed setting her automatic coffee pot to go off in the morning. She rose the next day for a cup of fresh brew and then headed off for work. She did not discover the bat in her coffee filter until that night when she was cleaning it out. The woman had to undergo treatment for rabies as it the bat was too fried to determine whether or not it was rabid.

This is the ultimate bad day. It makes me reminiscent of the house I grew up in in Fairfield, Iowa. It had bats, slugs, chipmunks, mice, and shag carpet. What more could you ask for. Oh yes, and Lisa had to walk uphill to get to her bed her floors were that slanted. She could only position her bed one way in the room in order that blood would all flow to her head. I remember many "bat" encounters. My dad always had a tennis racket or boom bat handy in case the bats would strike. They entered mainly through this large fan in the ceiling that connected to our attic. The slugs were another problem altogether. They would creep up from the basement and make a trail of slime across our kitchen floor. It was quite fun to put salt on them and watch them shrivel up and die. It was also fun whenever mom discovered one of their slime trails in her bare feet. Another favorite memory of mine is when we had a mouse in our cupboard and dad went at it with a butcher knife. I will never forget the site of him proudly presenting us with that impaled mouse. I was not a happy camper, I assure you.

I miss those days, but i'll take my hardwood floors over red and blue shag carpet anyday.